


The Dumpster Fire Zone

by Purelake



Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms
Genre: Chairs, Crack, Fairies, One Shot Collection, Vampires, Yandere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29916198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purelake/pseuds/Purelake
Summary: A collection of poorly-written one-shots because why not.





	1. Dream Come True

It is aa atrudth universally aknckncowleddged athat a man in posseassion of a a big dog wealth must bee in wont of a wifi.

Of corse, this was not waht Raven Lickme was think when she fall out of apparttment and neared die. She bruh to the sdide her raven black hare and glare with her violet majenta deep orbs at the guy who had the nerv to throw dog mony at her.

"OMG, you can't do that!! Your suhch a aajerk!!!" Ravan saided angrily.

"If I cannotn't" Sneezed Dick Dickinson

Rivan could notm't even comtain hermself. she was the anbry

"'Tis but a scratch" Dick hickuped.

But then sudenyly a whale gas cropped down from sky!!!

The Virgin Whale had a fellen on Dick. Raven ate her elbow and couofed.

"Oh Dick, what are we gone to am do??!!??!" Raven schreechehed loudlldly.

"Grab onto my--

BEEEEEP BEEEEEP

WAKE UP, B i O t Ch

Raven banged her alarm clock and did a yawn. She was a much very need sleep.

"Ugh, another dream? I hope nothing weird happens," Raven said saidly.

Unfortunately, she was w r o n g.

She went to school and instantly regretted her existence. Becky Bichalot dared to spit on her face and call her a cow first thing in the morning, and it wasn't even tomorrow! Who spits on people on the day yesterday of tomorrow???

 _She's such a fake hoe. I can't wait for this class to be over_ , thought Raven. She was currently in math class and her teacher, Mr. Sucalot, didn't bother to explain anything to anyone.

"Now, can any of you tell me why this two is the product of a negative three and a positive squared divorced seventeen?"

Silence.

"I KNOW THE-"

"Shut up, Tamchiagaabajjbeaamna Seijijiajaiji. Everyone's sick of you always having the answer."

"It's not my fault I pay attention."

By this time Raven wasn't listening at all because they were only side characters whose purpose was to say dumb things that in no way moved the plot forward.

_I wish that dream came true, I could use Dick in my life right now._

SUDDENLY AN AEIEIRESOPPLANE DROPPED CRASHEDED THROUGH THE CLASROOM WINDOW AND BHEHEADED THE MATH TECACEACHER

"OH MY GOSHNESS WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL IS THIS???!!!"

"momcomepickmeupimscared"

It seemed as though her wish came true . . . but was that a good thing?!

A hand extensioned to Raven and grabbed shirt her and them was a gone.

"OH NO SOMONE CALL NEIN ONE ONE"

It was a too late, the polticice wouwdld a never shown up in times to sav her.

"You know, I dreameed you were a handsome guy with abs or sososmethting, waht happen" asksed Raven as she did a done do anime eyes big yes.

He was indeed human but his long appendagaages said otherwise. They wrappedar ounded her like snkakes aexcdept the snake a no do this. Raven croed.

"I don't thonk I could fell in loved with a you." She said. "Your so meen."

And it come to passes that she forget because much horn.

"ahhh... AhHhh.... aaAahHhhHHHHHH" She moanad.

"S-Stop being so loddodud, geez!"

Raven never knew anyone could make her feel this deepytltly, mt gosjsgm it waasa almossnost as if her brain was her vagina and her vagina was her brain, except she had no brain. She lost all sense of her senses and sensed something big coming.

"Um, Dick, I think--"

" _I k n o w -_ "

It was then that the birds and bees decided to kermit toaster bath. Holy water would not save them.

" ** _Sweetheart, I'm home~!_** "

They stared at each other . . . MENANCICNGY.

"Raven, you gotta go."

"Um?? Excuse me, that's not possible right now, _as you can see_ \--"

And then he Chuck Norrissed her out the window until she landed across the Mexican border where she could see the mutant tacos devouring the tourists in a raging war against the tuna salad sandwiches with their gushy white and stinky mayonnaise that strangely smelled like Karen when she was in heat at Whole Foods after seeing one of the employees putting a container of grass in the wrong section; she relished the feeling she derived from putting the boy in his place.

Anyway, Raven died and Dick discovered he quite licked the joural he found in her backack that conveniently exist for this moment in the story.

"Huh, hwwoho woldudln'tve guesseded that she wroute such beutiful potetrry?" he saided.

One page in particler coughed his interest rate: Flames of Desire.

It was the story of his dark, secret past he never told a soul about, and yet here it was, written in blue and black ink. He crumbled to the ground and breaded until his female parental figure flew into the room with her cookies that came out of thin air, as mothers do.

"I know it's hard, sweetie, but us Dickinsons have to pull through it." She smiled encouragingly and everyone clapped.

"Wait, who are these people?" asked Dick.

They were all a freakish white color and stood at around six feet tall, since that is a requirement of every male in existence in unless he's a teacher with pedophile tendencies because it's always the short ones. Then again, why couldn't they be both.

They were both.

"Mom, get them out of my room, they're creepy af."

"Sorry sweetie, but I can't do that."

"Why not????"

"Because sweetheart, your one of us."

Speechless -- utterly speechless.

"Your father knew the human race would eventually die out, so he mated with the first one he saw for survival. They hunted our kind for years--"

"Okay but that doesn't make sens-- AHH WHAT-"

They had him completely surrounded.

"Well, guess I'll die." Dick yote out the window but was kashot by Mother.

"Ha!, got 'im. I always end up kashooting them in the end."

Finally, they were reunited . . . much to the dismay of both of them, but they would be togehter foreever.

For better or worsed.


	2. Build-A-Bf.com (reader insert)

You stared at the screen until your eyes burned.

_Welcome to Build-A-BF. Here at BABF we give you the opportunity to experience true love by providing a service which allows users to create a profile and answer questions that will tell us who your soulmate is. The best part? You won't know who he is until we send him to you -- shipping free!_

_Take the open-answer quiz now - >_

"What the frick?" You kept clicking and typing away until your profile was finished:

_Full name: Shrek leOgre_

_Nickname: Shh_

_Date of birth: 00/00/0000_

_Gender: Helicopter_

_Sexuality: Sir this is McDonald's_

_Personality type: NOYU_

_Hobbies: Sleeping, eating_

_Notes:_

  * _Roses are red, violets are blue You thought this was gonna be a cheesy poem didn't you_
  * _Take me out Like on a date or with a shovel Surprise me_



Then you took answered the questions:

 _1) How do you like your hot chocolate?_ _Hot and creamy._

 _2) Short, average, or long pencil?_ _No you_

 _3) Do you hear the voices?_ _Wtf_

 _4) Did you remember to lock your front door?_ _W h a t_

 _5) Smile for the camera!_ _W H A T_

 _6) On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being absolutely not and 10 being hell yes, how much do you like someone playing with your hair?_ _Well I mean-_

 _7) Spoon or be spooned?_ _Fork_

Wow, that was weird. You drank some water and closed your eyes, wondering what that was. Clearly someone was trying to be funny...

_DING DONG!_

The doorbell. Were you expecting a package-? Maybe it's that merchandise you ordered online--

Nope.

It was not.

Instead, it was a massive cardboard box with the logo of that website on it. You pushed the thing inside and kicked the door shut behind you. How peculiar... A note came with the package. It read:

_Thank you for using our services, we hope this is satisfactory! If not, feel free to call the police._

"This better not be a joke," you muttered as you took a pair of scissors and began aggressively stabbing the box.

Then something grabbed your hand and you frickin' fell -- well, not really, because the grip was strong.

"WHAT LET GO GET OFF AHHH"

What you saw next left you at a loss for words.

A monster.

Something from a nightmare.

Truly horrifying.

_A chair_.

"Hey lil mama lemme whisper in yer ear, somethin that ya migjt tlwike to hear"

You ran

"IT'S FREE REAL ESTATE"

YOU KEPT RUNNING UNTIL YOU REALIZED YOU WERE GOING IN CIRCLES AND THEN FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND THEN A BUNCH OF OTHER CRAZY STUFF ACTION ACTION LOTS OF MOVEMENT UHHHH OH NO THERE'S THE CHAIR AGAIN

"Hey wanna sit on my lap"

"HELL TO THE NAW, THAT AIN'T MY YEEHAW"

You made a dadh shdrun buzz for the ohonre but the cord was dnqspped

"Oh no the ohone shut down"

scrtchxhd.... wheushsidek...

What's that a sounds?

Someiene who can't the not English

"I'm wick of you iffnoring me... Come back, [Y/n]"

You kumped out the winfow and landed in a pile of adhesive camels

"Moo," said the camel.

"Who?" said the other camel.

"MOO, darn it," grumbled the third camel.

You screamed and ran again sxcept your ankle did a no no so now you're just sitting there

"Guess I'll die"

"IT IS NOT THRIWSE DAY"

Oh no there he is there he's comin' oh lawd run

Run run run

FLYING LAWNMOWER

BRRR BRRRRRRRRR

Hot

Jk

Oop make a turn here

Good, you're almost losing him

Watch out for that street sign

why the frick did you run over that child i said to watcj out thefor the street dign

school zone

"This is a stick up, himme all your time together and your grandmas"

The teacher shot the fhair out the windfow an dd die

"Oh no she ded"

"HE NEED SOME MILK"

Indeed, he needed some milk

"MOO," said the canal

"Feck off," said the cahir "I'm only here for [Y/n]... [Y/n], WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I'm not home!"

Uh oh soaghettios

"THERE YOU ARE OWO WHAT'S THIS???"

"eww i always hated kinky chairs wth"

Then you died


End file.
